My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
