I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
