you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
