i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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