so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
