I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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