is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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