I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
