do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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