MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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