I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize