You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
