I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
