Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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