I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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