Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
