6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize