I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
