Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
