I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
