I wish I only lived at night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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