life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
