someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
