Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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