They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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