Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
