The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
