So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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