You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
