Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
