you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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