All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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