Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
