I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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