so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
