Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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