I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
