I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
