I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize