There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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