just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
