I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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