Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
