Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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