I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
