i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
