Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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