Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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