she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
sick fucks of a feather flock together
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
