i can't believe i had my finger in that
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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