He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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