She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
