rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize